Pictured: Increased security at sausage factories.

SOS! Save Our Sausages!

'Sir Rodney' acts to protect a British breakfast favourite.

25th September, 2024.

At the Labour Party conference in Liverpool on the 24th September, 2024, Keir Starmer (aka:'Sir Rodney') said that Hamas should return the "sausages". Hamas? Sounds like pork sausages, but never mind. Realising that Hamas agents could be anywhere in the world, and especially the UK and Europe, Sir Rodney has decided to ramp up security at British sausage factories - just in case any of our 'porky delights' should be taken 'saustage'.

To make matters worse, pigs in the UK are starting to fight back and are threatening to blow-up slaughter houses. Enough is enough, as one 'spokespig' told Fakir News. "No more pork on your fork", he added. "We have the right to a life as much as any other farm animal", he concluded.

The most volatile and aggressive of the piggy community have even set up their own group of freedom fighters, pigs which are prepared to go to any lengths to fight back at the establishment. They have threatened to stun, cut throats, and mince up anyone who gets in their way. Furthermore, it is suspected that they have also built their own secret processing plant to help finance their bloody activities ('Soylent Green' sausages for dinner?).

"Angry Pig"

Leader of this gang of violent animals is someone who simply describes himself as 'Angry Pig'. Dedicated to fighting for pig's rights, and according to rumours, he is claiming to be the 'Servant of the Swine'. Sometimes it is 'Protector of the Porkies', and he's only doing what any honest and self-respecting pig would do and that is fight to preserve his kind.

So, it is double jeopardy for anyone seeking to exploit pork products either by stealing them or by using them to put on the breakfast plates of the Great British public. So who is most at risk of incurring the wrath of these animals? One group of people who have become very nervous are street food retailers selling hot dogs. They run the daily risk of either being attacked by an angry mob of Brit-hating anti-Western foreigners, or renegade pigs. It's get beaten-up and have all of your stock taken away from you and held (as we say) 'saustage', or get fatally savaged and possibly be carried away by violent pigs to be processed and eventually eaten.

When challenged on providing greater security to all of those dealing in pork products, Sir Rodney simply said he cannot protect everyone. There are far too many people involved in the exploitation of pig products that it is impossible to guarantee safety for all concerned. But he did say that anyone who feels endangered would be fast tracked to receive a firearms licence. Feeling that many shop staff in takeaway eateries up-and-down the country would be nervous being in possession of a firearm, larger retailers are hiring private security firms to protect their premises and their staff.

Is this what society has been reduced to? Being forced to hide away while munching on a bacon and / or sausage buttie (with or without ketchup)? Where will this all end, we ask?

Pictured: Will the Cotswolds be put up for sale?

Donald Trump wants to buy the Cotswolds.

He thinks he can do a deal - as he always does.

14th August, 2025.

After receiving favourable reports about the laid back lifestyle in the Cotwolds, Donald Trump is seriously considering making it his very own holiday resort. J D Vance will also get 'a slice of the action' as Donald says he will reserve a portion of the land for his beloved Vice-President.

British Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, is under pressure to sell. As well as being completely subservient to the desires of the American President, he says the country needs the money to 'help balance the country's books'. No more debt for the UK and Donald Trump gets large swathes of land to build as many gold courses as he desires. For these two most senior politicians, it is a 'win-win' situation.

But herein lies the problem. Already experiencing dramatically falling support from British voters, he will further encourage their wrath by signing up to such a dastardly deal. But he thinks that his credibility is already badly tarnished, then why not go all in and do a deal? Could he possibly get away with this?

As a further incentive, Donald Trump is also prepared to offer him a plot of land in America to retire to after he is forced out of the UK. "I'll give you some land near to the Mexican border", says Trump. Fakir News waits for the next development and to see if Keir Starmer is bold enough to risk and sign-up to this proposal. In the mean time, people in the Cotswolds are enraged at hearing such news. They are threatening vigilante action, and advertisements for lynch mobs are going up all over the region. It seems there is a long queue for all of the positions that are being made available.

Postscript: as a further sign that Trump intends to acquire the Cotswolds, he authorised his Vice-President to indulge in activities hostile to the local population in the hamlet of Dean. J D Vance's heavy-handed thugs have (allegedly) been stopping disabled people from using dedicated parking spots, demanded personal information from their victims, drawn-up 'no-go areas', and have generally adopted an air of 'we are in charge now, like it or not'. This is a taste of what life will be like for any remaining citizens (those who have not been driven out of their homes) if Trump gets his way and buys up all of the Cotswolds.

Pictured: Donald Trump is now 'Yeehaw'.

Donald Trump wants to be known by his new name - 'Yeehaw'.

If Kanye West can keep changing his name, then why not me as well, asks Donald.

3rd July, 2025.

Some folk want to change their name for a valid reason (for example, marriage, or becoming an actor). Then again, some seem to do it far too often and their motive can be questionable. But for some established figures, such as Donald Trump, changing one's name can 'freshen up' an identity - for the purpose of establishing a whole new approach to life.

While previously less ambitious during his first term of office, his personality has taken on a new dimension. Now it's more of a 'Dirty Harry' approach to the problems plaguing America. Now it's Donald Trump (sorry, 'Yeehaw') saying to those he does not like, "You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?".

By changing his name, Yeehaw is also looking to supplement his prolific social media posts by becoming a rapper. I'm sure we all eagerly await his first rap performance to see if he can emulate the popularity (if not notoriety) of another famous rapper. There again, maybe not.

The big question now is will the President stick with his new name? Or will he be changing it on a regular basis, like Kanye West (who has also been know as 'Ye', 'Yeezy', 'Yeezus', and heaven knows what else).

The bottom line is this; if you want to take 'potshots' at the President, be aware that he is now ready to fire back. Before it was just words, now it's something more substantial and (usually) metallic. Perhaps any future rap lyrics he utters may give us a better clue of how likely he is to use a firearm and how many 'punks' he is prepared to gun down if they dare try their luck.