Pictured: Joe willing to pay to get the job he wants next.

Joe Biden wants to be the next Pope.

He's got the cash. Thinks that will swing the deal.

4th May, 2025.

In an attempt to become the next Pope, Joe Biden wants to offer a substantial amount of cash for an immediate acceptance to the Vatican and to be made a Cardinal. This will in turn mean he can have his name 'put in the hat' and be considered as a nomination for the title he so cherishes. Of course, with the cash incentive, his will be the only name in the hat. That's part of the deal he is offering.

Would those in the Vatican accept such a devilish proposal? Considering some reports of the Church being short of funds, Joe's money would give it a welcome boost. The amount being offered is *1,000,000,000 Euros (1 billion). That's a lot of persuasion! And where would Joe find that kind of money? Simple, he says. His private bank account in Ukraine has more than enough money saved in it to be able to fulfil that offer completely.

*To be later recovered from stolen Russian funds.

To support his claim to the highest position in the Catholic Church in the world, Joe has also posted an image which he claims he is the 'next coming'. "Look", he said. "I can walk upon water", he adds.

Yes! Joe can walk upon water! OK, it was less than 1/2 centimetre deep, but who cares?

If this was not enough to persuade all of the Cardinals to vote for him, he is also offering another revolutionary idea. He has suggested increasing the presence of the Pope around the world by constructing something he calls 'Robopopes'. They would be positioned in every country where the Catholic Church is established. Can you believe it?

A Robopope.

Joe's path to the Vatican may not be quite as straightforward as it appears. His main opponent is not a Cardinal, but a former political opponent. Sworn enemy, Donald Trump has even had the temerity to publish a photo of himself as the Pope. This has done nothing but outrage all Catholics who have demanded he be tortured into confession that he is a heretic by the Spanish Inquisition (American Branch).

So has Donald 'blown it' at his first and final (and fatal?) attempt to usurp Joe's attempt to be the next Pope? It seems so. And hasn't Donald got enough enemies who want to assassinate him without the Catholic Church hiring their own hitman to wipe him out?

"The world needs me now", says Joe. "Not some imposter who stole the White House from me", he added. "I suggest he give up the Presidency and return to Trump Tower and lock himself inside of it. It's the only way he can be sure of some protection when angry Catholics besiege him wherever he goes", Joe concluded.

Pope Donald? No chance, says Joe. "Heretic indeed", says established Trump-hater, Nancy Pelosi. Meanwhile, Donald shows the middle finger to all of those who oppose him.

Nancy Pelosi, 'Mother-so-bleeding-Superior'. Now running a sanctuary for non-recovering alcoholics.

We do not have to wait too long before we discover who will be the next Pope. But Joe, the 'Patron Saint of Gangbangers', will not be happy if he fails to achieve his goal. How will he react if he does not succeed? Only time will tell, and if Joe manages to regain some of the mental faculties he has lost in recent years and be able to recall exactly what he has been planning for the last few days.

Pictured: Chocolate now drawn into the UK-US 'tariff war'.

It's knickers to Snickers!

Keir Starmer demands that Snickers be returned to it's old name of 'Marathon'.

5th April, 2025.

It was always in danger of happening. Donald Trump's 'tariff war' was always going to provoke hostile responses around the world. But there have been some unusual and surprising demands made by those who feel they have been victimised. One of these strange turn of events involves an old British favourite, the 'Marathon' chocolate bar. American parent company, Mars Inc., changed the name of Marathon bars to 'Snickers'. This was to make the confection universally recognisable as a single name.

At the time of this transition, few people complained about the name change. But some were never happy with this arrangement and it is now being used to retaliate against the Americans. Donald Trump has pleaded with Keir Starmer not to deny the British access to Snickers bars with a massive price hike, but Keir Starmer's reply has simply been, "I should cocoa". "What's sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander", he added. "You put tariffs on a number of our goods, we shall retaliate as and when we wish, and how we want to".

Keir Starmer's official declaration.

Where will this all end, one wonders. How many products made and exported either side of the Atlantic will be used in tit-for-tat exchanges? It looks like it may become a 'free-for-all' battle with many casualties and few escaping from the potential chaos that will ensue.

Fakir News will wait a while and wait and see if some kind of settlement is made that satisfies both sides. But until then, prepare to see an end to Snickers and to say hello once again to Marathon bars.