Pictured: Brrr ... it's cold outside, baby.

The UK to introduce 'Hibernation Season'?

The ultimate help for poor people who cannot pay their energy bills.

6th March, 2026.

'People of Ample Proportions' ("PAPs", we are not allowed to say 'fat') are going to get some unexpected help during the colder months of the year. Enter the 'Hibernation Pill'!

Hibernation Pill.

PAPs will be offered a free treatment on the NHS if they can show they cannot afford to pay their energy bills. The medication that will be offered to them will allow these people to hibernate for several months during the coldest months of they year. A pilot scheme is already under way with volunteers showing no side-effects from this treatment. Put to sleep at the beginning of November, they will slowly begin to stir around late February the following year. It's a 4 month regime which will allow the State to save on heating allowance payments and social security for those who are too 'proportionate' to work a normal job, and depend on financial support from the government to survive.

The procedure is simple. In October, PAPs will be given vouchers to be be spent on nutritious foods to 'reinforce' their ability to survive without anything to eat or drink for such a long period of time. Upon wakening, the same procedure will be applied where food vouchers will again be given for PAPs to recover in time for the warmer weather.

Will PAPs take up this offer? They will miss Christmas and the celebrations that come when the New Year arrives, and also 'Valentine's Day' (not that PAPs are in any fit state to be 'romantic').

As a sweetener, the government will increase benefit payments above the rate of inflation for PAPs. They can sleep for 4 months without having to worry about having to look for a job, and the struggle to exist on 'Universal Credit' support alone. Warmly wrapped up in several layers of clothing and going to sleep for such a long period of time will sure appeal to some PAPs. It's tempting, yes? Application forms to join the scheme once up-and-running will be going out soon to determine who can qualify for this procedure.

Almost time to wake up!

To help organise and run this scheme, a new government department will be set up. The Department of Useless Dependents ('DUDs') will ensure that only those who are a liability to the State will be allowed to apply for the help they so desperately need. If successful, the scheme will be repeated in perpetuity until such time that PAPs learn how to lose weight and once again be of use to society.

Postscript. There was no news for February of this year. This is because Fakir News *reporters were fast asleep for the entire month.

*Yes! All one of them!

Pictured: Russian and Chinese troops in Greenland.

Donald Trump was right! Greenland has been invaded!

Can he drive out the Russians and the Chinese?

18th January, 2026.

It happened then! The warning (according to Donald Trump) has been proven to be accurate. Not long after Trump said he will acquire Greenland 'one way or another', the Russians and Chinese decided to get in first. "What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander", Vladimir Putin said. He added, if it is OK for America to plan to invade another country, then nobody can complain when we do it. Understand? Chinese President Xi Jinping put it another way. "The duck swam across the pond to find new feeding grounds." Well ... that was his way of putting it.

So what happens next? Fakir News has a spy in the Kremlin who tells us that Greenland will be divided North to South. The Chinese will establish bases on the Eastern side of the country, while the Russians will occupy the Western side. Each of these plots of land will be demarcated by a row of snowmen standing side-by-side and holding the flags of the respective countries.

The first military bases are already under construction by both sides. But more will follow. The Canadians remain impassive. Despite being much closer to Greenland than America, they seem to be quite calm about this development. This may be because they think America may just try to invade Canada. They need all the friends they can get if this happens - and Trump has gone on record saying it would be beneficial for Canada to become part of the United States. As the Canadians see their neighbours as hostile, perhaps it would be better to side with the Russians and Chinese. Why not give it a chance to work, they are thinking.

How Greenland will be divided.

A permanent settlement?

Both Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping know how to deal with Trump. Cut a deal with the old fool, they think. So here's the deal that is being spoken of in closed circles: Russia and China surrender Greenland to the Americans in exchange for Russia getting all of Ukraine, and China getting Taiwan. Will something as threacherous as this take place? Or is Trump bold enough, or stupid enough to take on two superpowers? An unnamed war strategy advisor in the White House has suggested dropping a nuclear bomb on Greenland to melt the snow and ice and drown both the Russians and Chinese. Yes, it's a crazy idea, but one which is not out of place in Trump's administration. The place is full of cuckoo-brained crackpots, so expect anything to happen.

The world awaits the outcome of this drama with bated breath.